I always measure myself up against others. I can't decide whether or not this is a good, healthy excercise or not.

somedays (not always) I find it really difficult to be nice to people. I get so caught up in my own thoughts and my own life and everything becomes about me me me that I can't stand to be around someone, and - there are a few people who are close to me and are exempt from this - I see everyone as incompetent, inefficient, a waste of my time. i think things like i wish they didn't exist. and then i feel bad about myself and wish i didn't exist. I perpetuate a sense of self-hatred and guilt in myself.

give me a break, world

I'm ready for everything to be perfect in my life, so why can't it be? Why won't the world cut me a break and let things be perfect? I just want to feel satisfied and full and happy and loved (but still have ambition) and whenever I think I'm getting close to it, the world (or something) kicks dirt in my face and laughs "Just kidding!".

Confessions on a Concrete Wall

I just learned what it's like to love someone and be loved and he already doesn't love me anymore. I don't know if he ever loved me but it sure seemed like it. Maybe he just loved the idea of loving me and when he actually had the opportunity he realized it was all in his head- not real. But I love him and it's probably the worst feeling in the world. I can't understand why he doesn't love me like I love him. I don't know what to do.

the one thing i can't change through willpower

I don't inspire love in people.

It could be worse. I think that people have admired my force of mind or maybe other things. But nobody has loved me, or loved me enough. Partly because I'm not very lovable. And partly because there is no enough. It makes me sad, and I'm embarassed by how much I think about it.

i think i might be dying of apathy.

poverty

I think I need God in my life to fill the poverty, a poverty that is a human condition. In order to have reason to live, to function, to exist. I think in order to be sane we need to have that supernatural aspect...to tell ourselves there's something more to life than reality...because if not life's is meaningless. I wonder whether me needing religion is sufficient to affirm it.

Does it exist because I want it to, or that it existed anyways, or...

things to do before i die

once i wrote out a list and posted it for an online creative writing class.
as follows
1) die with a smile on my face
2) eat chocolate every day before I die
3) give my journals to my sister
4) find a boy who will take care of me. get rid of current boy who wouldn't.
5) let everything go.

a woman responded to number 4) saying she didn't understand why I would be with somone who doesn't care about me. (is it really that simple)?

what is your list?

i'm sad and lonely and fucked up

I used to be on a self aware self knowing path of self destruction. I knew why and what and how I was doing to hurt myself. Now I'm not so sure. It's hard to tell where the root lies. But the destruction of a self continues, in defiance of you and him and him and him and them and you and those who I let hurt me I took away their power by hurting me instead. (it was never their faults. It's my own fault for trusting them. stupid girl!)

it's an annoying sentiment for me to want to "want" someone
but I can't stop thinking about someone who I wouldn't let myself think about because he was beyond my reach and it was an unreasonable want and a Want to be reserved for Idealizations of Life.
and now I want him but soon I will be done wanting and it will turn to something else
I don't WANT to be dramatic but I am a little bit dramatic

these things aren't helping.
there are worse things in the world than Not Getting What You Want, especially when what you want is for Someone Else to Make Me Feel Good About Myself.

it's annoying when you meet someone who is everything I always say doesn't exist in my world except as Gay Men or Men who Might as well be Married. Although in this case Married also means Emotionally Unavailable or Emotionally Unstable which are interchangable terms.

I just Want to feel loved.

I think others see me as a slut because I am comfertable with my sexuality. I thought I could be free of this sort of judgment, but I am not. Should I then change? Ofcourse not, but alienation is then my fate.

I also feel disliked by my peers, not confident about my abilities...are these really my thoughts?