Confessions

2006-11-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

I always measure myself up against others. I can't decide whether or not this is a good, healthy excercise or not.

2006-11-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

somedays (not always) I find it really difficult to be nice to people. I get so caught up in my own thoughts and my own life and everything becomes about me me me that I can't stand to be around someone, and - there are a few people who are close to me and are exempt from this - I see everyone as incompetent, inefficient, a waste of my time. i think things like i wish they didn't exist. and then i feel bad about myself and wish i didn't exist. I perpetuate a sense of self-hatred and guilt in myself.

give me a break, world

2006-11-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for everything to be perfect in my life, so why can't it be? Why won't the world cut me a break and let things be perfect? I just want to feel satisfied and full and happy and loved (but still have ambition) and whenever I think I'm getting close to it, the world (or something) kicks dirt in my face and laughs "Just kidding!".

Confessions on a Concrete Wall

2006-11-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

I just learned what it's like to love someone and be loved and he already doesn't love me anymore. I don't know if he ever loved me but it sure seemed like it. Maybe he just loved the idea of loving me and when he actually had the opportunity he realized it was all in his head- not real. But I love him and it's probably the worst feeling in the world. I can't understand why he doesn't love me like I love him. I don't know what to do.

the one thing i can't change through willpower

2006-11-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

I don't inspire love in people.

It could be worse. I think that people have admired my force of mind or maybe other things. But nobody has loved me, or loved me enough. Partly because I'm not very lovable. And partly because there is no enough. It makes me sad, and I'm embarassed by how much I think about it.

2006-11-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

i think i might be dying of apathy.

poverty

2006-11-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

I think I need God in my life to fill the poverty, a poverty that is a human condition. In order to have reason to live, to function, to exist. I think in order to be sane we need to have that supernatural aspect...to tell ourselves there's something more to life than reality...because if not life's is meaningless. I wonder whether me needing religion is sufficient to affirm it.

Does it exist because I want it to, or that it existed anyways, or...

things to do before i die

2006-11-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

once i wrote out a list and posted it for an online creative writing class.
as follows
1) die with a smile on my face
2) eat chocolate every day before I die
3) give my journals to my sister
4) find a boy who will take care of me. get rid of current boy who wouldn't.
5) let everything go.

a woman responded to number 4) saying she didn't understand why I would be with somone who doesn't care about me. (is it really that simple)?

what is your list?

2006-11-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

i'm sad and lonely and fucked up

2006-11-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

I used to be on a self aware self knowing path of self destruction. I knew why and what and how I was doing to hurt myself. Now I'm not so sure. It's hard to tell where the root lies. But the destruction of a self continues, in defiance of you and him and him and him and them and you and those who I let hurt me I took away their power by hurting me instead. (it was never their faults. It's my own fault for trusting them. stupid girl!)

2006-11-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

it's an annoying sentiment for me to want to "want" someone
but I can't stop thinking about someone who I wouldn't let myself think about because he was beyond my reach and it was an unreasonable want and a Want to be reserved for Idealizations of Life.
and now I want him but soon I will be done wanting and it will turn to something else
I don't WANT to be dramatic but I am a little bit dramatic

these things aren't helping.
there are worse things in the world than Not Getting What You Want, especially when what you want is for Someone Else to Make Me Feel Good About Myself.

it's annoying when you meet someone who is everything I always say doesn't exist in my world except as Gay Men or Men who Might as well be Married. Although in this case Married also means Emotionally Unavailable or Emotionally Unstable which are interchangable terms.

I just Want to feel loved.

2006-11-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

I think others see me as a slut because I am comfertable with my sexuality. I thought I could be free of this sort of judgment, but I am not. Should I then change? Ofcourse not, but alienation is then my fate.

I also feel disliked by my peers, not confident about my abilities...are these really my thoughts?

2006-11-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

- the minute i start to feel like i care about someone 'too much' (the point where i know i might be able to be hurt) I turn cold.
- the amount of time and effort it takes me to get to that point is great indeed
- i've been the other woman and it fucking sucks
- i'm so tired of feeling sad about men and being disapointed in them or in me or our inability to care for eachother
- i have an emotional barrier. i don't know what it will take for it to be surpassed. it's a self-preservation thing
- the last time i cared for someone i got hurt and i hurt him and it has taken me a long time not to think about it all the time and hate him and hate myself but he hasn't forgiven me and i don't think he knows how much it would mean to me to hear him say he has forgiven me because i would never let him see that vulnerability.
- i'm stubborn
- i'm selfish and shallow. i am the most important person to me. i have to watch my own back.
- i'll wait for you to say it first

2006-11-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

i'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

2006-11-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

i ' cheated' on my boyfriend and barely felt any guilt. why should i? the moment i decided to do it was the moment i decided to bare the consequences. i think cheating of this sort is ok as long as the other person never finds out. what you chose to do is entirely up to you and if you really want to sleep with someone else and you actually do it, then don't feel guilty because you've done what you wanted. guilt is an oppressive emotion. nobody wants to feel guilty, it is a manipulative emotion used as a tool by societies and people. there's obviously limits to everything. if i were in love i wouldn't have 'cheated', wouldn't have felt the need to. but some of us are very needy and want lots of attention.

2006-11-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

i am a different person in the winter. daylight and sunlight affects my mood. lack of it unfortunately makes me depressed. i don't have half of the depressing thoughts in the summer as much as in the winter. i should go tanning, or get a special lamp or something.

2006-10-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

Confession Vomit:

I am imperfect. I never will be perfect.
I do lie - Everyday.
I am going to pretend that it never happened - is that okay with you?
I don't fuckin care anymore about a lot, and that makes me happy.
The company I keep sometimes in my life really sucks. I don't know why, but I hope that it doesn't work out for you.
Sometimes I get paranoid and think about my teeth rotting.
I hate wounds but sometimes I want to bleed. Love and hate are so close.
I love the taste of meat.
I don't care about animals as much as I want to.
I don't give love away as much as I want to (the real kind).
I smile more than I want to.
I enjoy the feeling when I puke, so I don't mind getting the flu every once in a while.
I like having a role- I feel important- I feel worthy.
When I feel skinny I feel worthy- I like myself better- I can do more- The world looks different.
I feel immediate plutonic love towards females who overweight and self-confident and warm.
I have had very little love for myself in the past- For most of my life.
Sometimes I wish everyone would just shut the hell up.
Although I have a strong sense of Things to Accomplish to Make the World a Better Place, I occasionally find myself thinking that I should just make a lot of money, go on a cruise, get myself skinny, buy a lot of clothes and make men want to have sex with me.
THe bad stuff in the world allows me to do the good- It gives me a role to play and so in some sick way I'm glad there's bad stuff.
Why does the truth make me sound like a terrible person? I accept.

2006-10-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. When it started I couldn't sleep or eat I was so nervous. Now it's filtered through a hundred obsessions (not love) and it comes up as a disapointment. I tell myself I am better than this love/non-love/half-love. But these things are like an addiction for me. I wish I could stop them.

instructions again!

2006-05-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

to add to this blog
go to top 'blog this'
username - 'uglv'
password - 'concrete'
write your confession
go to publish post
done

2006-04-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I act irresponsibily, like not showing up for class or something, I feel so bad that I try to avoid the repercussions by pretending that problem doesn't exist and I just end up making it worse until there is no turning back.

2006-04-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

Someone wrote in the Union Gallery guestbook that I was radiant!
I was pleased.
-L.

2006-04-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

i slept with my ex-boyfriends best friend and tried to tell myself i was a victim when i had to face the consequences.

2006-04-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

I used to believe I deserved the world. Then I changed, I learned, I made mistakes and tried either to run away from them or face them head on. Now I'll settle for less than the world. (is it settling when you truly believe it is what you deserve?)

2006-04-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

I used to be someone different than who I am now.

more sex

2006-04-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes i can't stop my thoughts and then the world crashes, it can be about anything. it drives me crazy to think of things. sometimes about sex. everyone seems so attractive, so sexual, it drives me crazy and i am single. so easy to obssess. and i wonder whether i can trully find my fix. some person. but that's dangerous, attachment can be so dangerous, sex can be so binding. but this is an attitude problem, though it's a tendency.

revelations

2006-04-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've recently realized how much of a hypocrite I actually am. I criticize others for their hypocrisy and in so doing I perpetute my own.
we are all bad people.

Sex

2006-04-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

no one seems to need sex as much as I do. I think I'm obsessed with sex. I need it all the time and hate myself the day after for it.

2006-04-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

i lie. alot. all the time. everyday. i am such a liar.

2006-04-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

i am cosmic-ly
karmic-ly
cursed

2006-04-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'm depressed. I'm doing really badly in school this year, because I just can't seem to get myself motivated to do the work. I think I'm failing a class and barely passing the other ones. I'm apethetic and I don't know what to do about it.

2006-04-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

it's been 8 months since we broke up. I just emailed my ex (ex everything.) For the first risk at communicating since december.
I realized I am not ready to know him. We spoke of one day (some day, none day) talking again and the possibility of being friends.
But there is so much involved. So much hurt. So much distrust. So much confusion. I don't trust him to care about me, even a little, enough to read my emails or take the time to respond, I don't trust him to trust me again. I make assumptions about him and his attitude towards me (I assume he hates me. he should. I hate me). I try to be fair and think about how kind and caring he is (was). But I was the exception. Beyond me he treats girls like they are disposable. Now I am no longer the exception. I assume he never thinks of me - I think about him always. I assume he has dismissed me as we would any girl.
I think that if he has any memory of me and him together he wouldn't be so cruel. But I know him. He has an ability to tell himself something - that I am worthless. And then make it so.

2006-04-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

I really want to be rich

2006-04-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse
-anon

2006-04-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

when i like people i get nervous and am sometimes mean to them because i am afraid of rejection

fear

2006-03-31T16:34:00.000-08:00

I am afraid I am losing my identity.
I am afraid I never had an identity to begin with (I am a refelction of what you project on me).
I am afraid I don't want to truly know myself because there are times when I am afraid of the things that I do. I don't want to be the person that does the things I do.
I am afraid that someone who really knows me could never bring themselves to love me.
I am afraid that I could never bring myself to truly love me because of the things that I do.
I am afraid that what I know of myself isn't true. I'm afraid that its much worse.
I am afraid that I have no identity.

Out of Site...

2006-03-31T14:13:00.000-08:00

I spoke to you when you were writing on the wall and I thought you were a custodian. But you looked too young to be one. I wished I told you that I thougth this is one of the most creative art projects I've seen on campus in a long time. Now I just did.
-- A Prof.

2006-03-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

I am still in love with a girl that broke my heart. Every step forward results in two steps back.
I lie to myself and tell myself I don't love her.
I lie to myself and tell myself I am not sad.
Even though each day is harder than the last...

2006-03-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder how many people would miss me enough to cry at my funeral if i died tomorrow... would you?

2006-03-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

If you press the "publish post" button three times, your confession will go on this blog three times. Sorry for my impatience with my slow internet!

2006-03-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

In highschool, I thought I would go to university and have a lot of boyfriends, experience all kinds of new things, experiment, meet the man I was supposed to fall in love with and maybe get married. This didn't happen- did I do something wrong? Did I miss my chance and will I forever be judged for not having these things? Am I just too afraid to be happy or to be sad? I don't want to even look for a "boyfriend" anymore, because what is the point? We won't stay together unless we are from the same place, and even then, who knows? I'd rather eat good food and watch movies then get dolled up and play the pick up game, only to return home more alone then when I left it. Loneliness is often your best friend and inspiration.

2006-03-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

I always hear things like "i think you're really great/sweet/hot/cool..."
but it never works out.
I blame myself.
I don't want anyone to trust me. I don't want anyone to love me. It's too much responsibility.
I don't want to be responsible for someone else's heart. It's too much for me to handle.

2006-03-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when men are being nice to me I think it is only because they are attracted to me. I never want people to do me favors because I feel I will have to re-pay them somehow.

2006-03-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

sex with strangers scares me

2006-03-29T07:23:00.000-08:00

I lost my virginity to my friend's boyfriend.

2006-03-29T07:22:00.000-08:00

In high school I stole money from my mom (who was poor) to buy weed and wine.

2006-03-29T07:21:00.001-08:00

I was a prostitute.

2006-03-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not a christian, but when I was younger I used to go to church with my grandfather evry now and again. I was always intrigued by the act of confession espacially since I was not permitted to. What's the worst thing you ever did? The one thing you keep secret from everyone you meet?

2006-03-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

I'm infatuated with my cousin. Is that wrong? I quit smoking and I really want a cigarette. I'm looking for someone to tell me it's alright and to give me permission to smoke again.

2006-03-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

i didn't know how important religion was to me until i was made the punch line for a joke at an ex-boyfriend's family gathering. now i don't know if i can ever be serious with someone who is not the same religion because that hurt a lot.

2006-03-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago I was very drunk and went home with someone I didn't know. he was very kind and sweet to me but I snuck out of his home at 5am. I didn't think he truly liked me, I assumed he just wanted the physical and we were done with eachother.
I never tried to see him again, I didn't leave my number as I was tiptoeing out the door.
I saw him for the first time since today. I was afraid and tried to hide behind cans of tomatoe paste in the grocery store. I don't know if he recognized me, he didn't seem to.
I don't know whats worse. Him not recognizing me or me not having the guts to say hello.
I think he and I could be friends if things had gone differently.

2006-03-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

I have a temper that scares me sometimes. My anger is wrathful, selfish, terrible. And once it passes, I feel so bad about myself and my words and my actions that I want to kill myself.
Much of my anger is self-directed. It makes it hard to be happy.

2006-03-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

i am worried i will die alone.
watching tv makes me cry because it seems so many people die alone.

2006-03-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

I am afraid to show true emotions.
I am reactionary.

2006-03-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

Blogs are weird.
I don't have one but my ex does.
And even though I have no reason to look at his, I can't stop myself from checking it every day to see if he wrote something about me. He also has not taken down all the blogs about me and how happy I made him.
I don't know why I do this... do you?

2006-03-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

I was in a relationship for 6 years that was both epic and tragic. When I loved him he didn't love me. When he loved me I didn't love him. Yet we always stayed close to one another. I thought he was my partner for life.
We finally ended everything last summer. We had a fight that was a long time coming and he said he didn't love me anymore, that I couldn't hurt him anymore. I said I hated him. I said he wasn't being fair. I said it's about time we cut ourselves off from one another.
I didn't mean anything I said.
I saw him again and he said that being with me was like a kind of self-torture.
I said yes. I said I know what you mean.

2006-03-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

sometimes I pretend that no one is home when I am home and there is someone at the door.
I don't want to but I am afraid of opening closed doors.

2006-03-27T05:17:00.000-08:00

I like how when you take a sip of a really hot drink you can feel it going down your throat and into your stomach. It really heightens your awareness of your body. I could drink hot drinks all day.

2006-03-26T21:57:00.000-08:00

I hate hearing my downstairs neigbours have sex - it makes me sad. She sounds like a whimpering dog. I can always tell when it's over, because it's the only time I ever hear him.

2006-03-26T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have had my heart broken. Two times.
And now I'm afraid of anyone I meet because I will learn to trust them and I will get hurt again. The thought of being that hurt again makes me sick.
I would rather be alone than be hurt again so I think I make people think I don't like them when in fact I do.
I only like guys who are taller than me so I can wear heels. They also cannot be skinnier than me. I like guys who like to hold my hand when we cross the street. I hate guys who try to kiss me in public.
I like dogs more than I like cats. Maybe I need to meet a guy with a dog.

2006-03-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

How many times have you had your heart broken?
How many times has it been self inflicted?
Can you tell the difference between longing and heartbreak?
I'm tired of saying I'm fine - when I'm not.

2006-03-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

I don't trust myself to not hurt others. And I don't trust them not to hurt me. It's easier to be alone than unsure and vulnerable.

2006-03-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

I never learned how to ride a bike.
I tried but always fell, so I stopped trying.
Now I'm too old and embarrassed to learn.
And I'm afraid of people who want me to go on "biking trips."
And I don't know how I will teach my children how to ride one.
I also don't ski, snowboard or skate. And I can't play the piano.

i think that went well - instructions

2006-03-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

to add to this blog
go to top "blog this"
username - "uglv"
password - "concrete"
write your confession
go to publish post
done

LOST

2006-03-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

last seen march 24th at 6pm
bright orange in colour
goes by the name "secret"
any information - contact me

2006-03-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

I still believe in Santa Clause.

2006-03-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

I read until the moment I fall asleep, because being alone with my own thoughts scares me.

dirty little secret

2006-03-22T23:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I narrate my life and pretend I have soundtrack music playing in the background.

I think a certain guy in art who cuts his own hair is dead sexy.

2006-03-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I interact with internet art in galleries and feel as if I am at the Science Center, when I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I felt like I was interacting with internet art in a gallery. It is a hard thing to get over. I have tried.

2006-03-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

I'm dedicated to making my own religion.
I havn't developed the concept any further at this point.

2006-03-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

i like to watch movies alone

2006-03-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

I only like guys with girlfriends. There's a superficial security. I tell myself they won't like me in a romantic way because they are in a relationship. It's backfired on several occasions. I find I can be myself completely and feel comfortable around guys who have girlfriends (the same for guys I am not physically attracted to). I have long been the victim of good male friends thinking they have feelings for me. It happens to my sister as well. We call it a curse. Sometimes I think we're both just denying ourselves the right to be in a comfortable relationship. But when the guy has a girlfriend: First I am surprised that they act on their feelings for someone else. Then I am disapoinnted in their integrity and strength. Somewhere in there I am flattered and wonder at the possibility of sucess. But that never happens.
I have on more than one occasions been left doubting the integrity of relationships. No relationship is secure, humans are bound to make mistakes, we're bound to act on desire or instinct and as a result we're bound to hurt others and ourselves.

2006-03-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I never learned how to skate. When I was young, seven I think, I began skating lessons. The first lesson I quit, I didn't like to be cold and I didn't feel like I was in control. The only reason I was able to quit was because, by chance, my grandmother had taken me to my lesson instead of my mom, and I had much more freedom with my grandmother.
I still don't skate, or ski, or snowboard, or skateboard, or rollerblade,

2006-03-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just lie in bed all day wrapped up in a big blanket, dreaming and thinking.

i want my mom.

2006-03-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

I spend alot of my time considering the past, feeling ashamed, guilty, surprised and afraid of myself.
I miss the past but never want to experience it again.

2006-03-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

I smile at dogs but not their owners

2006-03-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

it's a secret
that it isn't
a secret

disclaimer

2006-03-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

by contributing to this project, you are consenting permission to the artist to use your information, discluding your name, in whatever way the artist chooses. all contributions, on integrity of the artist, will remain anonymous.
thanks for sharing your life.

self destructive tendencies

2006-03-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

I will self destruct.

I have an innate ability to be mean to myself in all manner of ways.

I wonder how long I will be able to sustain myself.

2006-03-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school I used to daydream constantly. I would fantasize about my life, in a glorified manner. I would be older, I would travel the world, I would fall in love, I would be beautiful, I would have the most amazing dog. I would be everything I ever, even briefly, wanted myself to be.
Now I don't daydream as much, or ever. I have real-life things to think about, to consume my thoughts rather than fantasizing about silly things. Now I am older. Now I've travelled. Now I've been in love. Maybe now I am beautiful. Now I think my ordinary mutt of a dog is pretty amazing.

OUT OF SITE

2006-03-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

The OUT OF SITE project is an off-site initiative begun by the Union Gallery. "art negotiating neglected spaces".
look for me later in March.

more on this later.

2006-03-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

I don't want to fall in love again.

2006-03-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid of the dark.
If you and I would ever walk somewhere and it was dark I would probably grab your hand or clutch at your shirt. I would feel embarrased and apologize but I would rather feel silly than afraid.

security

2006-02-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

I've felt for a long time now that all I want is a sense of security. I want to be able to know that everything is going to be ok.
Everything is going to be ok.
I want someone to tell me that.

2006-02-14T20:42:00.000-08:00

happy valentine.
my first boyfriend and I made each other valentines that had tigers on them. our first date was the weekend before valentines day. his tiger was better than mine. he was better at everything.
he cheated on me with his ex. I pretended to be sad and hurt but the truth was I didn't care. I didn't love him, I liked spending time with him but sometimes his utter inability to challenge me (he was a nurturer when I didn't want to be nurtured) was frustrating. So I told him we should stop seeing eachother. He pouted around school for weeks and then I started to feel bad.
that feels like forever ago.

2006-02-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

This is the beginning.
They say you can never go home.

Confessions are based in trust. (in Deo speramus)

I don't think I trust myself.

To embark on a new adventure is to never know what will come next. I do not know what will come next.