it's been 8 months since we broke up. I just emailed my ex (ex everything.) For the first risk at communicating since december.
I realized I am not ready to know him. We spoke of one day (some day, none day) talking again and the possibility of being friends.
But there is so much involved. So much hurt. So much distrust. So much confusion. I don't trust him to care about me, even a little, enough to read my emails or take the time to respond, I don't trust him to trust me again. I make assumptions about him and his attitude towards me (I assume he hates me. he should. I hate me). I try to be fair and think about how kind and caring he is (was). But I was the exception. Beyond me he treats girls like they are disposable. Now I am no longer the exception. I assume he never thinks of me - I think about him always. I assume he has dismissed me as we would any girl.
I think that if he has any memory of me and him together he wouldn't be so cruel. But I know him. He has an ability to tell himself something - that I am worthless. And then make it so.