fear

I am afraid I am losing my identity.
I am afraid I never had an identity to begin with (I am a refelction of what you project on me).
I am afraid I don't want to truly know myself because there are times when I am afraid of the things that I do. I don't want to be the person that does the things I do.
I am afraid that someone who really knows me could never bring themselves to love me.
I am afraid that I could never bring myself to truly love me because of the things that I do.
I am afraid that what I know of myself isn't true. I'm afraid that its much worse.
I am afraid that I have no identity.

Out of Site...

I spoke to you when you were writing on the wall and I thought you were a custodian. But you looked too young to be one. I wished I told you that I thougth this is one of the most creative art projects I've seen on campus in a long time. Now I just did.
-- A Prof.

I am still in love with a girl that broke my heart. Every step forward results in two steps back.
I lie to myself and tell myself I don't love her.
I lie to myself and tell myself I am not sad.
Even though each day is harder than the last...

sometimes i wonder how many people would miss me enough to cry at my funeral if i died tomorrow... would you?

If you press the "publish post" button three times, your confession will go on this blog three times. Sorry for my impatience with my slow internet!

In highschool, I thought I would go to university and have a lot of boyfriends, experience all kinds of new things, experiment, meet the man I was supposed to fall in love with and maybe get married. This didn't happen- did I do something wrong? Did I miss my chance and will I forever be judged for not having these things? Am I just too afraid to be happy or to be sad? I don't want to even look for a "boyfriend" anymore, because what is the point? We won't stay together unless we are from the same place, and even then, who knows? I'd rather eat good food and watch movies then get dolled up and play the pick up game, only to return home more alone then when I left it. Loneliness is often your best friend and inspiration.

I always hear things like "i think you're really great/sweet/hot/cool..."
but it never works out.
I blame myself.
I don't want anyone to trust me. I don't want anyone to love me. It's too much responsibility.
I don't want to be responsible for someone else's heart. It's too much for me to handle.

Sometimes when men are being nice to me I think it is only because they are attracted to me. I never want people to do me favors because I feel I will have to re-pay them somehow.

sex with strangers scares me

I lost my virginity to my friend's boyfriend.

In high school I stole money from my mom (who was poor) to buy weed and wine.

I was a prostitute.

I'm not a christian, but when I was younger I used to go to church with my grandfather evry now and again. I was always intrigued by the act of confession espacially since I was not permitted to. What's the worst thing you ever did? The one thing you keep secret from everyone you meet?

I'm infatuated with my cousin. Is that wrong? I quit smoking and I really want a cigarette. I'm looking for someone to tell me it's alright and to give me permission to smoke again.

i didn't know how important religion was to me until i was made the punch line for a joke at an ex-boyfriend's family gathering. now i don't know if i can ever be serious with someone who is not the same religion because that hurt a lot.

a few weeks ago I was very drunk and went home with someone I didn't know. he was very kind and sweet to me but I snuck out of his home at 5am. I didn't think he truly liked me, I assumed he just wanted the physical and we were done with eachother.
I never tried to see him again, I didn't leave my number as I was tiptoeing out the door.
I saw him for the first time since today. I was afraid and tried to hide behind cans of tomatoe paste in the grocery store. I don't know if he recognized me, he didn't seem to.
I don't know whats worse. Him not recognizing me or me not having the guts to say hello.
I think he and I could be friends if things had gone differently.

I have a temper that scares me sometimes. My anger is wrathful, selfish, terrible. And once it passes, I feel so bad about myself and my words and my actions that I want to kill myself.
Much of my anger is self-directed. It makes it hard to be happy.

i am worried i will die alone.
watching tv makes me cry because it seems so many people die alone.

I am afraid to show true emotions.
I am reactionary.

Blogs are weird.
I don't have one but my ex does.
And even though I have no reason to look at his, I can't stop myself from checking it every day to see if he wrote something about me. He also has not taken down all the blogs about me and how happy I made him.
I don't know why I do this... do you?

I was in a relationship for 6 years that was both epic and tragic. When I loved him he didn't love me. When he loved me I didn't love him. Yet we always stayed close to one another. I thought he was my partner for life.
We finally ended everything last summer. We had a fight that was a long time coming and he said he didn't love me anymore, that I couldn't hurt him anymore. I said I hated him. I said he wasn't being fair. I said it's about time we cut ourselves off from one another.
I didn't mean anything I said.
I saw him again and he said that being with me was like a kind of self-torture.
I said yes. I said I know what you mean.

sometimes I pretend that no one is home when I am home and there is someone at the door.
I don't want to but I am afraid of opening closed doors.

I like how when you take a sip of a really hot drink you can feel it going down your throat and into your stomach. It really heightens your awareness of your body. I could drink hot drinks all day.

I hate hearing my downstairs neigbours have sex - it makes me sad. She sounds like a whimpering dog. I can always tell when it's over, because it's the only time I ever hear him.

I have had my heart broken. Two times.
And now I'm afraid of anyone I meet because I will learn to trust them and I will get hurt again. The thought of being that hurt again makes me sick.
I would rather be alone than be hurt again so I think I make people think I don't like them when in fact I do.
I only like guys who are taller than me so I can wear heels. They also cannot be skinnier than me. I like guys who like to hold my hand when we cross the street. I hate guys who try to kiss me in public.
I like dogs more than I like cats. Maybe I need to meet a guy with a dog.

How many times have you had your heart broken?
How many times has it been self inflicted?
Can you tell the difference between longing and heartbreak?
I'm tired of saying I'm fine - when I'm not.

I don't trust myself to not hurt others. And I don't trust them not to hurt me. It's easier to be alone than unsure and vulnerable.

I never learned how to ride a bike.
I tried but always fell, so I stopped trying.
Now I'm too old and embarrassed to learn.
And I'm afraid of people who want me to go on "biking trips."
And I don't know how I will teach my children how to ride one.
I also don't ski, snowboard or skate. And I can't play the piano.

i think that went well - instructions

to add to this blog
go to top "blog this"
username - "uglv"
password - "concrete"
write your confession
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done

LOST

last seen march 24th at 6pm
bright orange in colour
goes by the name "secret"
any information - contact me

I still believe in Santa Clause.

I read until the moment I fall asleep, because being alone with my own thoughts scares me.

dirty little secret

Sometimes I narrate my life and pretend I have soundtrack music playing in the background.

I think a certain guy in art who cuts his own hair is dead sexy.

Sometimes I interact with internet art in galleries and feel as if I am at the Science Center, when I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I felt like I was interacting with internet art in a gallery. It is a hard thing to get over. I have tried.

I'm dedicated to making my own religion.
I havn't developed the concept any further at this point.

i like to watch movies alone

I only like guys with girlfriends. There's a superficial security. I tell myself they won't like me in a romantic way because they are in a relationship. It's backfired on several occasions. I find I can be myself completely and feel comfortable around guys who have girlfriends (the same for guys I am not physically attracted to). I have long been the victim of good male friends thinking they have feelings for me. It happens to my sister as well. We call it a curse. Sometimes I think we're both just denying ourselves the right to be in a comfortable relationship. But when the guy has a girlfriend: First I am surprised that they act on their feelings for someone else. Then I am disapoinnted in their integrity and strength. Somewhere in there I am flattered and wonder at the possibility of sucess. But that never happens.
I have on more than one occasions been left doubting the integrity of relationships. No relationship is secure, humans are bound to make mistakes, we're bound to act on desire or instinct and as a result we're bound to hurt others and ourselves.

I never learned how to skate. When I was young, seven I think, I began skating lessons. The first lesson I quit, I didn't like to be cold and I didn't feel like I was in control. The only reason I was able to quit was because, by chance, my grandmother had taken me to my lesson instead of my mom, and I had much more freedom with my grandmother.
I still don't skate, or ski, or snowboard, or skateboard, or rollerblade,

sometimes i just lie in bed all day wrapped up in a big blanket, dreaming and thinking.

i want my mom.

I spend alot of my time considering the past, feeling ashamed, guilty, surprised and afraid of myself.
I miss the past but never want to experience it again.

I smile at dogs but not their owners

it's a secret
that it isn't
a secret

disclaimer

by contributing to this project, you are consenting permission to the artist to use your information, discluding your name, in whatever way the artist chooses. all contributions, on integrity of the artist, will remain anonymous.
thanks for sharing your life.

self destructive tendencies

I will self destruct.

I have an innate ability to be mean to myself in all manner of ways.

I wonder how long I will be able to sustain myself.

When I was in high school I used to daydream constantly. I would fantasize about my life, in a glorified manner. I would be older, I would travel the world, I would fall in love, I would be beautiful, I would have the most amazing dog. I would be everything I ever, even briefly, wanted myself to be.
Now I don't daydream as much, or ever. I have real-life things to think about, to consume my thoughts rather than fantasizing about silly things. Now I am older. Now I've travelled. Now I've been in love. Maybe now I am beautiful. Now I think my ordinary mutt of a dog is pretty amazing.

OUT OF SITE

The OUT OF SITE project is an off-site initiative begun by the Union Gallery. "art negotiating neglected spaces".
look for me later in March.

more on this later.

I don't want to fall in love again.

I'm afraid of the dark.
If you and I would ever walk somewhere and it was dark I would probably grab your hand or clutch at your shirt. I would feel embarrased and apologize but I would rather feel silly than afraid.