I always measure myself up against others. I can't decide whether or not this is a good, healthy excercise or not.

somedays (not always) I find it really difficult to be nice to people. I get so caught up in my own thoughts and my own life and everything becomes about me me me that I can't stand to be around someone, and - there are a few people who are close to me and are exempt from this - I see everyone as incompetent, inefficient, a waste of my time. i think things like i wish they didn't exist. and then i feel bad about myself and wish i didn't exist. I perpetuate a sense of self-hatred and guilt in myself.

give me a break, world

I'm ready for everything to be perfect in my life, so why can't it be? Why won't the world cut me a break and let things be perfect? I just want to feel satisfied and full and happy and loved (but still have ambition) and whenever I think I'm getting close to it, the world (or something) kicks dirt in my face and laughs "Just kidding!".

Confessions on a Concrete Wall

I just learned what it's like to love someone and be loved and he already doesn't love me anymore. I don't know if he ever loved me but it sure seemed like it. Maybe he just loved the idea of loving me and when he actually had the opportunity he realized it was all in his head- not real. But I love him and it's probably the worst feeling in the world. I can't understand why he doesn't love me like I love him. I don't know what to do.

the one thing i can't change through willpower

I don't inspire love in people.

It could be worse. I think that people have admired my force of mind or maybe other things. But nobody has loved me, or loved me enough. Partly because I'm not very lovable. And partly because there is no enough. It makes me sad, and I'm embarassed by how much I think about it.

i think i might be dying of apathy.

poverty

I think I need God in my life to fill the poverty, a poverty that is a human condition. In order to have reason to live, to function, to exist. I think in order to be sane we need to have that supernatural aspect...to tell ourselves there's something more to life than reality...because if not life's is meaningless. I wonder whether me needing religion is sufficient to affirm it.

Does it exist because I want it to, or that it existed anyways, or...

things to do before i die

once i wrote out a list and posted it for an online creative writing class.
as follows
1) die with a smile on my face
2) eat chocolate every day before I die
3) give my journals to my sister
4) find a boy who will take care of me. get rid of current boy who wouldn't.
5) let everything go.

a woman responded to number 4) saying she didn't understand why I would be with somone who doesn't care about me. (is it really that simple)?

what is your list?

i'm sad and lonely and fucked up

I used to be on a self aware self knowing path of self destruction. I knew why and what and how I was doing to hurt myself. Now I'm not so sure. It's hard to tell where the root lies. But the destruction of a self continues, in defiance of you and him and him and him and them and you and those who I let hurt me I took away their power by hurting me instead. (it was never their faults. It's my own fault for trusting them. stupid girl!)

it's an annoying sentiment for me to want to "want" someone
but I can't stop thinking about someone who I wouldn't let myself think about because he was beyond my reach and it was an unreasonable want and a Want to be reserved for Idealizations of Life.
and now I want him but soon I will be done wanting and it will turn to something else
I don't WANT to be dramatic but I am a little bit dramatic

these things aren't helping.
there are worse things in the world than Not Getting What You Want, especially when what you want is for Someone Else to Make Me Feel Good About Myself.

it's annoying when you meet someone who is everything I always say doesn't exist in my world except as Gay Men or Men who Might as well be Married. Although in this case Married also means Emotionally Unavailable or Emotionally Unstable which are interchangable terms.

I just Want to feel loved.

I think others see me as a slut because I am comfertable with my sexuality. I thought I could be free of this sort of judgment, but I am not. Should I then change? Ofcourse not, but alienation is then my fate.

I also feel disliked by my peers, not confident about my abilities...are these really my thoughts?

- the minute i start to feel like i care about someone 'too much' (the point where i know i might be able to be hurt) I turn cold.
- the amount of time and effort it takes me to get to that point is great indeed
- i've been the other woman and it fucking sucks
- i'm so tired of feeling sad about men and being disapointed in them or in me or our inability to care for eachother
- i have an emotional barrier. i don't know what it will take for it to be surpassed. it's a self-preservation thing
- the last time i cared for someone i got hurt and i hurt him and it has taken me a long time not to think about it all the time and hate him and hate myself but he hasn't forgiven me and i don't think he knows how much it would mean to me to hear him say he has forgiven me because i would never let him see that vulnerability.
- i'm stubborn
- i'm selfish and shallow. i am the most important person to me. i have to watch my own back.
- i'll wait for you to say it first

i'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

i ' cheated' on my boyfriend and barely felt any guilt. why should i? the moment i decided to do it was the moment i decided to bare the consequences. i think cheating of this sort is ok as long as the other person never finds out. what you chose to do is entirely up to you and if you really want to sleep with someone else and you actually do it, then don't feel guilty because you've done what you wanted. guilt is an oppressive emotion. nobody wants to feel guilty, it is a manipulative emotion used as a tool by societies and people. there's obviously limits to everything. if i were in love i wouldn't have 'cheated', wouldn't have felt the need to. but some of us are very needy and want lots of attention.

i am a different person in the winter. daylight and sunlight affects my mood. lack of it unfortunately makes me depressed. i don't have half of the depressing thoughts in the summer as much as in the winter. i should go tanning, or get a special lamp or something.